For whatever bizarre reason, The Beastmaster
seems to be one of those films that just stays with us. This
film, that had what could only be called a slight theatrical
run, has managed to reach a cult status. And just when you think
it's ready to be forgotten, Dennis Miller comes up with some
new way to work it into his material (convincing this reviewer
that he's really a closet fan of the film).
Oddly enough, I was one of the 10 people that
actually saw this film in the theater. I would have been about
11 or 12 and I went with a girl from my neighborhood named Yvette.
It's possible that we were the only two people in the theater.
I couldn't tell you whether or not I actually enjoyed the film
or not at the time, but I can say that it was a bit uncomfortable
(not in an entirely bad way) watching Tanya Roberts nude on
screen while sitting next to a girl I had a crush on.
Following that, I probably saw the film a
few dozen more times due to its daily showings on cable. In
all of the times I've seen it, never did I mistake it for anything
less than absurd. This film is right on the edge of the "so
bad it's good" barrier -- and at times, it does even manage
to cross over.
The film opens with the evil Maax (pronounced
May-ax and played by Rip Torn) trying to secure his place of
power. It seems that a prophecy foretells his death and the
hands of the King's unborn son. Logic would dictate that all
he needs to do is go kill the King and his wife and all will
be good. Instead, Maax and his cadre of witches initiate a goofy
ritual, requiring them to magically transfer the unborn baby
from the mother's womb into the womb of a cow. The cow and the
baby are then to be sacrificed.
Naturally, all does not go according to plan
(further proving that evil movie villains are in dire need of
efficiency experts) and the baby is rescued and taken to be
raised in a far away village. They name the baby Dar, which
is just shy of Duh.
It seems that the magic that put the baby
into the cow also gave it the ability to communicate with animals.
Our young Beastmaster grows up to be the the thin, but buffed
Marc Singer. Since a movie like this can't leave well enough
alone, Dar's village is destroyed by marauding barbarians, making
him a two-time orphan.
Dar sets off on a quest because, well, that's
just what you do when you find yourself stuck in a sword and
sorcery movie. Along the way, he meets some animal; friends
that include a hawk, a black tiger and two pilfering ferrets
who are so good at their job that they manage to steal every
scene they're in.
Fate (or plot, you decide which) brings Dar
back to the city where he was born and he gets caught up in
a plan to overthrow Maax and return power to the King. Maax
manages to capture Dar, the King, the King's other son and everyone
else who could possibly harm him. And for the second time in
the film, Maax proves that simplicity is best when he fails
to just kill them all when he has the chance, instead opting
for another pointless ritual.
Ok. So this film isn't going to win any awards.
The plot is silly, the costumes are laughable and the acting
and action choreography is just plain lousy. And yet on many
levels, it manages to become a fun experience, not despite how
bad it is, but because of it. Not once do you get the impression
that the actors realize how bad the film is and that just adds
to the fun. The filmmakers go for broke and anything less would
have thoroughly ruined this movie because, face it, it's more
fun to watch a guy swing for the fence and miss than it is to
watch him play it safe.
