DVD Review: Bad Boys II

Warning: The following review will generate hate mail.

Just to put things into perspective before I begin, I actually sort of liked the original Bad Boys. The sequel, Bad Boys II, however, is the cinematic equivalent of vomit.

Harsh? Perhaps. But friends, I can only call 'em as I see 'em.

This film is so reprehensible that I'm not even sure I can do justice to how bad it really is. I'll sure try, though.

To begin with, my arch-nemesis, Michael Bay, is once again at the helm. Have I mentioned recently how much I hate his directing style? Bay's problem is that he directs everything as though it were either an action scene or a music video. Scenes that demand quiet observation are turned frenetic by quick cuts and a camera that swoops and dips like it's attached to an out of control roller coaster.

A good director is one who is unobtrusive, quietly lending power and emotion to each scene without ever calling attention to himself or his technique. Bay, however, is like the cocky guy at a party who butts into every conversation and just won't shut up. His egocentric attitude suggests that he views his actors and story as little more that resources that he can exploit to show off how clever he thinks he is.

I do think that Bay does a respectable job with action scenes. But you know what? Even a torturer knows that you can't inflict pain constantly or the victim becomes numb. This is exactly what happens in a Bay film. The relentlessness of his directing and editing quickly numb the audience. A car chase ceases to be exciting when a simple conversation is directed in the same style.

But the directing is only a small chunk of the fetid pile that is this movie. The best thing I can say for the story is that it is typically unoriginal of a Hollywood cop-buddy movie. I would, however, be interested in knowing how many writers contributed to the roadkill disguised as a screenplay. More than that, I'd really like to know if any of these writers knew they were supposed to be writing for the same movie. The writing is about as uneven as a conversation with a victim of attention deficit disorder. Maybe that's intentional, because I suppose in a perverse sort of way it is ideally suited to Bay's directing style.

The question is, just who thought anything in this film was funny? The first film at least had some level of wit about it, but the sequel is so far removed from anything even remotely resembling humor that it's not even possible to laugh at how bad it is. I can't even write off some of this junk as simply being ill-conceived improv, as one of the film's worst scenes involved the intricate planning and construction of a pair of animatronic rats. This is a scene so tasteless that I can imagine Tom Green taking a step back and saying they've gone too far.

The plot, as I've mentioned, is nothing original and involves two drug lords battling over the Ecstasy market in Miami. These criminals are so inept that they provide a perfect challenge to the main characters, Mike (Will Smith) and Marcus (Martin Lawrence). As an example of how brainless the writing is, at one point one of the thieves demands that the other thief sign a thick contract, turning over control of his drug-front business. So intent were the writers on creating a (poorly done) Godfather-esque moment that they never bothered to stop and think about why these guys need a contract anyway. They're thieves!

Throughout the course of the film, Mike and Marcus initiate several car chases and gun battles that result in the destruction of half of the city of Miami and countless casualties (although, as their chief so sagely points out, no cops died, so it all balances out). All of this mayhem is for a few bags of pills. With this sort of efficiency, I imagine that a serial killer coming into Miami would necessitate the preemptive killing of every living person in the state of Florida. But hey, there's a bright side. At least then none of them would never have to watch this movie.